I was lucky growing up, although I didn’t always think so at the time. I had parents who “Got It.”
They “Got” Life.
They didn’t shy away from topics like sex and drugs and alcohol and people who are mean and things that suck, pretending that those things don’t exist like some parents did. They also didn’t talk about them all the time, trying to be “cool,” and “with it,” and “in,” like some others.
They didn’t lecture me (often.)
They listened to me and my childish troubles, and offered several options that they thought might be helpful, but they never pressured me to chose one solution over another, knowing that even as children and young adults, each of us needs to find our own way. They had more life experience than I and knew that they could try to help guide me, but they couldn’t live my life for me. I needed to make my own choices and my own mistakes as I made my own way.
And oh my, did I make some mistakes.
Some mistakes were incredibly painful. Some were unbelievably humiliating. Some created long-term issues that took me years to finally understand. Luckily, my parents were there for me my entire life – and still are – ready to listen, ready to guide, and still ready to let me work it out for myself with a few words of wisdom here and there to help me.
There were a few things I got tired of hearing as a kid, though. Unfortunately, those things that I got tired of hearing my parents say turned out to be the most important Rules of Life that would stand up to the years and experiences I gained as I grew up.
Life Isn’t Fair.
It also has another form – Sorry Kid, That’s Life. This one pertains to the many, many parts of life that we have no control over. I had to learn this one over and over throughout my younger years, as the context changed as I grew and changed. It’s a lesson that I see, hear and read that a lot of people missed out on and are still missing in their lives. Let me share it with you now.
We didn’t have a television growing up. I had Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers until I was about 6ish, and then my parents got rid of the TV and never got another one.
Guess what all my school friends talked about on the bus in the morning? Yep – what programs they watched last night on TV. They had TV program lunch boxes, TV program sweatshirts and sneakers. I didn’t even have a TV. When I would complain that it wasn’t fair that everyone else had a TV and I didn’t, you can guess what I heard. “LIFE isn’t fair. Sometimes that’s just the way it is.”
My parents wouldn’t let me switch snacks at school. My hippie no-TV-having parents sent me to school with HEALTHY snacks, and I was warned of dire consequences if my mother found out that I had traded snacks with anyone else. Not that anyone who got to take Twinkies or fruit rollups or Oreos would want my celery and peanut butter and raisins anyway, but when I complained that it wasn’t fair, I heard, “That’s absolutely right. Life ain’t fair, kid. Get used to it.”
My parents scrimped and pinched to be able to send me to a private college prep high school. It was my first experience being with rich kids, and I was amazed. Some of the girls had a different outfit for each day of the month, and one sweater might cost as much as a week’s worth of my K-Mart pants. My parents bought me two school outfits, because I could be wearing one while the other was being washed.
Anything more than that, I had to pay for myself, meaning that I had to get a job. However, they were quite stern about how school was my job, so no after-school work was allowed, only weekends and only after my homework was done. Talk about not fair. If I wanted nice things like the other kids in school, I had to work when everyone else was out doing whatever they were doing. They didn’t have to work at all! Totally not fair! Guess what their answer to that was?
There were a million different ways that lesson sunk into my soul over the years. By the time I was ready for college, it wasn’t an issue for me any longer. I wasn’t expecting things to be fair, because I knew they weren’t. Some people are richer. Some are prettier. Some are more athletic. Some start out with better opportunities. Some stumble across successes that I have to work my ass off to achieve. Some assholes get way more than they deserve. Sometimes I can do everything right and the assholes still win.
Some things just are what they are!
We can fight uselessly, resulting in being angry or hopeless with no opportunity to change things. Or, we can stop focusing on what isn’t fair, take a look at what we actually DO have to work with, and go do what we need to do to get results.
Guess which mindset is more effective?
I’ve never been a victim because of this attitude.
I don’t find value in feeling powerless. I know that I have the ability to do whatever it is I need to do in my life, which has resulted in an inner confidence that is rock solid. Life ISN’T always fair, and we can’t control that. However, we can control our reactions to life’s unfairness.
Do you see that guy on campus or that guy in the bar who has it so easy with the ladies? You have a choice – be pissed that he’s physically attractive and bitch about how it’s not fair, or you can learn to control other attraction factors that have nothing to do with genetics.
Do you often feel like things never go your way? You can whine that it’s not your fault and that you just have bad luck, or you can look at your actions and recognize where they got you and how you might change them to get different results next time.
I hate it for everyone who didn’t have capable parents like mine. The world would be a better place if everyone did. But they don’t. Some people have to look elsewhere for information and support.
That’s Life, Kid. Get used to it.
Next Lesson – YCPSPST, BYCPAPAT (Pronounced “YIPS-PIST, BIC-PAPT”)
