I went out with about ten friends, a mixed group of men and women. We were just out to enjoy life and have a few drinks and some fun. We sat at a round table in the bar area of a nice restaurant, pretty close to the front where people were coming in and out. We all know a lot of people, so we end up leaving and coming back a lot. The table was our home base. At one point in the night, all my friends were off talking to other people, leaving me alone temporarily.
I sat and watched the people around me. Guys came in pairs, looking around as they walked in. If we caught eyes, I used hand gestures and a smile to offer them a seat at our table. Two pairs smiled and went the other way. The third walked over, but said they were going to find a place further back. I told them that if they couldn’t find a place, that they were welcome to come back and sit with me. They said thanks and kept walking, then came back a few minutes later and asked if the offer still stood. By then, one of my female friends had shown back up. I assured the guys that they were still welcome, so they sat down with us. We introduced ourselves around and then came the inevitable questions – so, where are you from, what do you do, etc.
Both men were average to nice looking, well-dressed and clean. We chatted for a while, and then I did what amounts to a cold read on both of them and nailed them both, which they loved. They asked what else I knew about them.
I thought about how far I wanted to push things for a moment, then decided to dive in. I pointed to Mr. Tall and said, “You find me more attractive than he does.”
Their faces and bodies froze. They stared at me. Mr. Tall finally said thoughtfully, “Well, that was a confident statement!” I laughed. To break the social pressure that my statement had built, I said, “Actually, you BOTH find me attractive, it’s just that you’re MORE attracted to me than he is. And he’ll get more attracted as he has a few drinks!” It made them laugh and broke them out of their shock. Normal social conversation ensued as the rest of my friends made their way back to the table.
Later in the evening, Mr. Shorter admitted to me that he was indeed initially not attracted to me. He was very taken aback by my inviting them to the table. He said it was too forward for his liking. He started talking about how he doesn’t like women who play games, and I just started laughing. When he looked at me, puzzled, I gently explained to him that he SAYS he doesn’t like
games, but he’d just admitted that when I was direct and NOT playing games, he was not attracted to me. That one stopped him dead. To his credit, he thought about it a bit. He decided that there must be things women just DO that aren’t really playing games. I just smiled.
Mr. Tall said he actually liked it, that he was attracted to my directness. He said he liked it that I offered them a seat, that he found it refreshing that they didn’t have to wonder or think about it. They knew right off the bat that I was open to their company because I was smiling and I just
invited them over. He said it made him feel welcome and happy, like he was wanted, rather than the uninviting stares they were more used to walking into.
The two other sets of guys that I had invited over to the table before these two guys showed up came back over to revisit me after they saw my table full again, when I wasn’t just sitting there by myself. There were many variables they might not have been attracted to me specifically, they might’ve been waiting for other people, they might’ve been turned off by the social intensity
of me sitting alone – who knows. I chose not to ask them about it because I was having fun with my own group, but it would have been interesting to find out their answer. Without asking them, there’s no way to know for sure.
My evening illustrates so many of the concepts we often discuss about meeting and attracting women, and it’s interesting that it works exactly the same in reverse. I could re-write this exact story from a man’s perspective and it would read the same way. There are definitely some specific parts of romantic interactions that men and women deal with differently, such as approaching vs. being approachable, but the general map is exactly the same. We deal with the same kinds of social maneuvering and the same kinds of up and downs.
Ah, the games people play… J
