There’s a particularly strange challenge I tend to face as a dating coach. No, it’s not helping guys get over approach anxiety. It’s not how to get a woman’s number. It’s not even how to initiate getting physical with a woman. It’s none of those “typical” things at all. In fact, it’s not only a flat-out bizarre challenge, it’s probably the single BIGGEST one I face on a daily basis.
Simply put, I have a seriously difficult time around here getting a lot of guys even to believe what we talk about is possible—let alone something that the “average guy” can attain. Now granted, we prefer to talk about the highest echelon of women on Earth rather than how to attract just any woman who can fog a mirror. And in a world of quick fixes and immediate gratification, I can understand how the bar usually isn’t set very high.
And hey, it wasn’t all that long ago that I was relating 1000% to the concept that ANY woman in my life was better than NO women.
But here’s the thing.
When I talk about how getting guys to aim high in their quest for success with great women is a challenge, I mean that virtually zero guys are committed to it. A precious few, at best. Even among my Ten-Plus guys–who have put me to work for them expressly because they want to go from good to great–I have a downright odd problem. Guys get through session number five or six out of ten…and they disappear on me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still never issued even one penny back to a customer for “quality control” reasons. These guys definitely don’t want their money back. It’s just that they usually start to get results like they’ve never seen before relatively quickly…and it overwhelms them. It’s almost as if there’s a “comfort zone” of success that we find “believable” as guys. It’s sort of like we find ourselves with the kind of woman who isn’t exactly what we dream of, but who is better than who we’ve been able to attract in the past…and we hold our cards.
But my vision for every single guy I meet is invariably much loftier than that. Is “average” success with women really good enough for the “average” guy?
It shouldn’t be.
Perhaps counter-intuitively, some of the world’s sharpest women are the ones who have the HARDEST TIME finding the right guy to be with.
Sure, maybe they’re smart as a whip and/or financially successful. This can be intimidating to all but 1% of all guys out there…max. I get that. But what of the beautiful women with strong character and kind hearts who are going dateless?
Who is going to step up to the plate and be the man they crave?
Here’s a hint: It’s likely not to be a self-absorbed “pretty boy” who is obsessed over his looks and sees no reason to work on his character. Think about it…why would a woman of high character go there?
And how about this? Did you know that there is a high percentage of beautiful women out there who refuse (and may even fear) dating men who are better looking than they are?
Seriously…she doesn’t want to be upstaged. She’d rather be appreciated.
Finally, considering how many guys already suffer from garden-variety approach anxiety out there, you’ve got to believe it’s going to be an infinitesimal minority of guys who are going to dare approach a woman with the “whole package” working.
And no…”hit and run” shots like, “You look nice today!” while hurrying past don’t count. The vast majority of guys disqualify themselves without ever even trying. Therefore, you’ve got sharp but dateless women out there. Simply put, the greatest women out there want a man who does the best with what he’s got in every respect. Your masculinity, your ability to cause a woman to feel secure in your presence, a decent sense of style, and the confidence that packages it all up spell A-T-T-R-A-C-T-I-O-N to great women.
Combine that with true character and integrity and you could be unstoppable. And here’s the thing: NOT one aspect of your potentially maximized self that I just delineated is outside of your direct control.
You CHOOSE to be that man. Either that, or by not stepping up to the challenge you inherently choose by NOT choosing anything…other than sustained mediocrity.
Many years ago a country preacher named Bruce Theilmann referred to those coddled masses who embrace the easier path to mediocrity as “The Legions Of The Unjazzed”. I’ve yet to encounter a more poignant description of the human condition anywhere. So what’s it going to be? You can’t be an “artist” of any kind if you can only “paint by numbers” …especially a pickup artist. Aim high. Deserve What You Want. And if you choose to do so, I’ve got your back all the way.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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Scot McKay is a dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications. Check out his brand new relationship management system called The Leading Man at www.the-leading-man.com.
photo by oddsock
Be the artist and the muse. Great article Scot.
Love it, Scot. It’s funny how we’re sometimes content to play in mud puddles because we cannot conceive of what the ocean is like, having never seen anything like it.
in my mind i am echoing your sentiments. i was at this point of beginning to settle with mediocrity and i am beginning to see myself as a man who deserves/selects for high quality women. I believe that the absolute pinicle of your article is summed up in your line “Your masculinity, your ability to cause a woman to feel secure in your presence, a decent sense of style, and the confidence…Combine that with true character and integrity and you could be unstoppable.” could you elaborate on the ideas presented here as far as what they mean to you and how you have gone about developing these characteristics? thanks
Thanks for the kind words, gentlemen.
Tony, it’s ironic you’d mention mud puddles and Oceans. Theilmann talks about surfing big waves rather than splashing around in tidepools in his epic talk about “The Legions Of The Unjazzed”. Actually, I neglected to credit the actual coinage of “legions of the unjazzed” properly to oldskool pro surfer Phil Edwards.
Cash, you are pretty much asking me to sum up my entire body of work thus far. LOL Here’s a great primer for you:
http://www.alovelinksplus.com/guest_articles/scot-mckay-real-self-confidence.htm
It’s an article I did on the “Big Four”, which is exactly what you are talking about. Actually, the September Power Sessions program will be on how a man of strong character attracts great women. E-mail me and I’ll give you information on how to get that for a penny. scot@deservewhatyouwant.com
I like this post, but I think it is a little hyperbolic. In my experience, women who look good get hit up CONSTANTLY, but since they mostly get hit up by uninteresting men, they have selective memory about it & will say things like “Nobody ever hits on me, all the guys are too intimidated.” Translation: all the guys she LIKES are too intimidated, but she gets hit up 10 times a day, so if you’re going to be #11, you’ve got a shield to get through.
The other thing this post implies is that a dateless but attractive woman is going to be sensible & give you a chance, because she’s dateless. Not necessarily so. I’ve met plenty of attractive women who reject everybody & still complain about being dateless. Just because her behavior is self-defeating is no guarantee she’s going to change it.
That being said, I’ve been shut down instantly by some pretty mediocre women, & I’ve gotten warm responses from some real stunners. The thickness of the shield is only loosely correlated to beauty. So don’t make too many assumptions. Just strap on your big brass balls, say hello & see what happens.