To begin with… this isn’t the worst idea in the world.
Many women like the idea of a man who is confident enough just to say, hopefully AFTER you’ve made love a few times first so that it’s not completely weird, “I want to understand your sexuality better; tell me what kinds of things turn you on and how I can be a better lover for you.”
Just saying something like that displays great confidence and an unselfish desire to please her that no woman is going to be anything less than thrilled about.
It’s the kind of thing she will tell her friends and they will say, “Wow! I wish MY boyfriend was cool like that!”
And yet…
It’s also something that, whether consciously or on an unconscious level, the majority of women are going to find frustrating and disappointing.
She may say something like, “I don’t know… I just like what you are doing.”
Or she may give you a good answer about something that she likes…
But part of her will feel robbed of the magic of spontaneity… and, on a more subtle, but possibly even more powerful level, she will feel the loss of some of the sexual tension between you… the loss of some of your masculine power over her.
In many aspects of relationships, women like to be your equal. In some areas, particularly those that are considered part of the feminine domain like decorating the home, she will want to be the boss… but in the area of sexuality in particular, MOST women will favor more traditional sex roles.
They will prefer a man who confidently leads.
Of course, that opens a problem: What if the things you are doing are not the things she likes? What if you are disappointing her by not asking her what she likes because she wants something totally different in a lover than what you are naturally giving her?
I have said many times that a woman loves a man who already knows what he’s doing and LEADS her there with a firm but gentle hand.
But I’ve also said many times that all women are different and what works on one will definitely not work on all…
Am I contradicting myself?
Probably.
But love-making is an endlessly complex (and endlessly interesting) topic, and it is filled with contradiction and counter-intuitive ideas.
Like I said in the beginning, if she doesn’t mind being asked what turns her on, (or even appreciates it) there is nothing wrong with it. Every woman is different, after all.
But there is a “next level” to this, and if you are open-minded enough to ask her what she likes, then you will be open to this as well.
If a woman likes that you care enough to ask her… might she like it even MORE if you already know what she likes… or, better, if you know ways to give her more sexual pleasure than she was aware even existed?
See, the final problem with asking a woman what she likes in bed, is that, authentically, she probably doesn’t know all the things that will rock her world yet… because she hasn’t been with a man yet who did them to her.
That’s the next level: teaching her things about her body that she never even knew about. Giving her more pleasure than she knew she was capable of, because she had never experienced that level of pleasure with any previous lover.
Nobody skis down the expert slope the first time they get on a mountain, nobody golfs under par the first time they pick up a club, nobody bowls a 300 the first time they pick up a ball, and… well… you get the idea.
It sounds reasonable to believe that nobody knows her body and what turns her on better than SHE herself does…
But it’s wrong.
A young girl masturbating may learn to give herself considerable pleasure, she certainly can learn to orgasm… but there is no way that she is going to discover accidentally the kind of mind-blowing sexual pleasure that a skilled partner can give her.
There are places you can take her that she just can’t get to by herself. A big part of this is the connected feeling that she can build with a loving partner which will allow her to surrender deeper into the experience.
But once she’s surrendered, it’s up to that partner (you) to lead her further or even into something completely new and more powerful.
Let yourself experiment a bit.
Don’t always do the same thing… don’t just experiment with WHAT you do, but with HOW you do it… try different rhythms and intensities. Try tenderness and aggressiveness, holding space and being dominating.
Just see what happens. Pay attention. Tune in to her body and her “energy” with all of your senses. You will find all sorts of things that she doesn’t know about her body yet. (By the way, do this in a place where you aren’t afraid of someone hearing because the possibility exists that when you really hit the right button, she’s going scream like she’s being murdered without realizing it).
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and she’s gotten used to you either playing a more passive role during sex, or just not being very experimental, then she may offer some resistance at first.
People don’t like change… even when it’s change that is for the better. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t respect you… but, look, she might not trust you to bust into the cockpit and take the controls of an airplane you guys are traveling on either…(unless you’ve got a jet-certified commercial pilot’s license).
As you become a more expert lover, she’s just not going to be immediately confident that you know what you’re doing in the driver’s seat of the very powerful feelings that are welling up inside of her. Take your time and build her confidence in your abilities slowly and without judgment. Over time, she will learn to trust that you just might know more about what’s going on than she does… and she will begin, more and more, to surrender to you.
That’s when amazing things begin to happen.
More on this topic very soon…
Have fun, be careful, and be nice to girls.
photo by cilii 77
FYI even with a pilots license bursting into the cockpit will not garner a good response these days….lol. Anyways I see what your getting at, but if you dont know there really is only one way to find out. And you can still be leading in the bedroom by asking. Part of being a man is knowing how to get the answer not having them all. That means you have to be willing to seek the answer even if it means risking some humility and a little bruised ego.
Look i would rahter ask and find out the answer than never know I was doing something wrong (how is that good for learning. The first couple of times it may not ne necessary to has all this out, there really isnt any expectation anyways, but beyond that I want to knwo what really turns her on, and its a safe bet i wont discover it accidently.
I am limited by my own imagination, which is limited by my experience, and scince my g/f will likey not appreciate me getting the expereince elsewher, why not let her expand my imagination. Look what do I have to loose, I’m confindent enough in myself to place myself in a vulnerable position and admit there are some thigns i dont know.
In many ways this could add to a bond and allow us to explore one another. Its usually recieved with great enthusiam as both of us want to learn from one another…..Look if your would you rahter have a guy thats arrogant enough to think he knows what hes doing that he doesnt pleasure you, or would you rather him say you know what I dont knwo what you like but I want want to please you and therefore you have plenty of satisfying sex
See I think its arrogant and dismissive of her inviduality to assume what you have done with previous partners is the correct way. What worked on your last girl may not work for her.Shes a differnt girl, whom likes her lovin in a differnet way.
Now of course you can turn this into a game…make it something fun. Take turns showing each other (thanks tony) that can be a huge turn on, done dominatly, and showing your leadership, plus at the end you in a fun way discover how to be a better lover for her. And she may even learn new ways…..
Learning is a fun process….especially in the bedroom, I recomend swallowing a little pride and having a lot of fun. To me the bigger man can admit when he doesnt know the answer rahter than pretend he knows something he does not.