You’re about to approach a woman and suddenly you’re overcome with a creepy, paralyzing feeling.
The feeling is a blend of irrational fear, disappointment, and frustration. Often there’s a little anger in there too.
You believe that if you approach her, she’ll KNOW you’re interested in her even before you open your mouth, because you approached. And after you open your mouth and try to start a conversation she’ll be CERTAIN that you’re interested in her, because you’re trying to start something up with her. THEN the worst will happen: your cover will be blown. She’ll know you’re interested in her and probably think you just approached her because you want to have sex with her, just like all the other guys.
Are you a closet heterosexual?
Believe it or not, your twisted meltdown has some very useful elements in it, so let’s break it down, keep the good stuff, and remove all the crap that keeps you holed up in your studio apartment eating spaghetti with chopsticks surfing the internet for porn.
Let’s throw your tantrum in reverse.
The last thing you felt was “She’ll know you’re interested in her and probably think you just approached her because you want to have sex with her, like all the other guys.”
Well, you wouldn’t be considering approaching her unless you wanted to have sex with her, would you? This is actually a good thing. The fact that you saw a woman you wanted to have sex with and you decided to approach her to find out if those relations would be a possibility is exactly what you should be doing. A sex drive is built into every healthy man and woman and is nothing to be ashamed of. Without it, the human race would die off.
There are many ways that this fog of fear, shame, and embarrassment associated with your sex drive might have been created. One possible explanation is that it happened early in life, before you had the proper reasoning skills to understand that NEEDS are NORMAL.
A long time ago…
When you were very small and your life was centered on your needs (primarily your needs for love, company, and food), you probably felt a moment of inevitable disappointment. It happens to all of us. It might have been because you did not receive a feeding exactly when you needed it, or you might have been left alone to sleep when you didn’t want to. At some point, your immature brain drew conclusions that have stuck with you to this day.
Your undeveloped sense of reason made you believe that the discomfort caused by not having your needs met was CAUSED by the fact that you HAVE needs. You might then have drawn the conclusion that needs are bad because they can lead to discomfort. You then decided that the best thing to do is NOT TO HAVE NEEDS AT ALL, or at least not to show them, and not to act on them.
How can you tell if you made these connections between NEEDS and BAD early in life? Pay attention next time you catch yourself thinking “I don’t need a woman” or “I don’t need anyone” or “I don’t want her to KNOW I’m interested.”
We all have needs and wants. Some of those needs are sexual, and that’s okay.
So how do you come out of the closet?
Don’t try to hide or stop having sexual NEEDS.
Transform your NEEDS into WANTS. A baby has needs. A man has WANTS.
And when a man wants something, he goes out and gets it.
If there’s some part of your wants you don’t know how to get, congratulations. You’ve already taken the first step by reading this blog.
To be continued…
KP
photo by isforinsects
“all the crap that keeps you holed up in your studio apartment eating spaghetti with chopsticks surfing the internet for porn.” HA I resembled this remark.
Anyways, I think that actually ther isn’t anything wrong with letting them know your interested, for one it will at least be flattering to them. For two if you do it non needy, vulnerability can actually be a very powerful state of attraction. Being able to show vulnerability and put yourself out there (with out fear or attached meaning to thier response) says you have balls, big ones. In fact most women can’t do it either (not that they should have to if men do as they are supposed too). But how many people seriously are comfortable enough in thier own skin and confident enough to walk up to someone and say I am intersted in getting to know you so I wanted to say hello. Not Many. And the subcontext of this is so damn powerful and antractive when its done with out needyness or fear.
So the fact that you felt vulnerable, and the fact that you are attracted to them isn’t a bad thing and can be transformered into high energy. I totally agree that its not a bad thing. Every woman wants to be skillfully seduced (not duped or used, but seduced). You are giving her what she wants, and even if you screw it up you are still paying a high compliment by saying hey I think you’re an interesting and attractive person. What woman (or man) doesn’t want to hear that.
RJ posed an intersting question to those whom said they couldn’t talk to a beautiful woman. He asked them if thier life was threatened could they approach. They all said yes, but then they would be doing something good for them. How is making a woman feel attracted, sexy, and wanted not good for them?
Awsome post! my fav blog so far!