The Best Pickup Line: No Pickup Line

Men frequently ask me, “What’s the best pickup line?”

This question usually is an indicator of three issues:
The first is the man’s basic insecurity about interacting with women. He is probably somewhat shy or anxious in most social interactions and brings this same social anxiety to his approach to women.
The second issue is a lack of understanding of women and what turns them on. Most men see women as mysterious and difficult to understand. Therefore they believe there is some “right” or “best” technique to get a woman’s attention.

The third issue is a belief in “magic” or fantasy.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll spend some time blogging about all three of these issues: overcoming social anxiety and shyness, understanding women (they are really pretty simple creatures – honest), and getting out of your fantasy world and into reality. Stay tuned.

In the mean time, what’s the best pickup line?
“Hello.”
Or, “Hi, I’m Robert.”
Or, “How’s your day going?”

I know that’s killing you. I know you want something really clever and witty. I know you want something that will work like magic to open a door you perceive to be tightly closed.  But these are the best openers.

I’ll tell you why.

Briefly, women are “Security Seeking Creatures” (I’ll expand more on this in the near future. But trust me, it is true). Because of their need to feel emotionally and physically secure, they are biologically programmed to be attracted to men with confidence, power, or perceived social status. It is the way they are, they can’t help it.  If you are reading this blog, odds are you don’t feel powerful or have a lot of what our culture would consider as status. That leaves you with one option, confidence.

Granted, most guys lack confidence when it comes to approaching women, but that’s something we’ll get to as well. Think about this for a moment, if you are anxious and you approach a woman or group of women with a line, opener, neg, or a boa wrapped around your neck, they’ll see right through you (unless they are drunk and/or not very evolved). All they will see is your anxiety and “techniques”.

Because women are finely tuned to read these kinds of things (remember, their sense of security depends on effectively interpreting these signals), your anxiety will leak out and do nothing to make them feel secure.  On the other hand, if you have learned to calm your anxiety and have practiced approaching and talking to people everywhere you go (the basis of all social skill training), then a simple, confident introduction is all it takes to gain entry to a woman’s presence.

Here’s an example. I was recently in a hot nightclub called “Barcelona” in Scottsdale, AZ . Two women came over and stood near me. I asked them, “What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard tonight?”One of them laughed and said, “That one.” I smiled back and asked, “What’s the best one?” The other woman replied, “You don’t need a pick up line, just say “hi’.” We proceeded to have a great conversation.
So here’s the golden rule of pickup: Women will respond better to a sincere guy who has confidence than an anxious guy with a great opener.

photo by glenn harper